The Five: Why Guys Love Beauty Pageants

Posted Jan 14th 2006 6:06PM by Jonathan Toomey
Filed under: OpEd, The Five, Music/Variety/Game Show

Miss America 2005 Deidre DownsI think it's time that someone with hair on his chest stepped up and said what needs to be said: guys love beauty pageants. The female camaraderie, the laughter, the glitter! Earlier today Anna mentioned that there are a lot of changes in store for this year's Miss America pageant starting with James Denton hosting the show, which airs on CMT. Ratings have been non-existent for years now and no major broadcast network wanted it. But that's because no one watches it live. If you're like me, you taped it and kept the VHS to watch by yourself anytime you want. But Miss Congeniality taught me that beauty pageants are more than just exploding tiaras. Heck, I can think of lots of reasons why guys love a good pageant.

1. Guys like things that move: You know what I mean. Things like football, going hunting and waiting for that damn pheasant to twitch, staring at the flame from a Zippo lighter...and women walking around in bikinis on TV.
2. Guy are born competitors: And what does competition breed? Gambling. I've already parlayed Miss Minnesota winning it all along with Miss Tennessee tripping during the swimsuit competition.
3. Guys have USA pride: And once they see who wins this contest, they'll know exactly who to root for during the Miss Universe Competition. Miss Puerto Rico and Miss Finland don't stand a chance... amateurs.
4. Guys need balance in their lives: So naturally they're going to watch something that both they and their wife can agree on. I mean whose wife doesn't love watching extremely gorgeous woman on TV with their husband?
5. Guys hate watching the news: And after seeing the pageant, they won't need to watch their local evening newscast because they've already met the future movers and shakers. These 50 women are going to cure cancer, stop world hunger, eliminate war as a means of persuasion, and still bake a kick-ass pan of brownies. 50 guys would never accomplish all that... I mean c'mon, the Superbowl is in three weeks.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for next week's pageant. I just need to dig out that tape of last year's competition.

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